Coping with Loss,  Family

A Mother’s Love

You chose me to be your vessel and from the moment my cells mingled with that of another, to create a cocoon in which your soul could reside, I loved you.

I played you music and fed you healthy goodness. I rubbed oil into my skin to help you stretch. I bought you books ready to enthral and teach you. I lovingly embroidered your blanket and made you toys ready to welcome your soul into this world.

And in you came kicking and screaming and I was filled with joy and a sense of purpose. I felt you were the best thing that had happened to me. I fed you, I cared for you, I nurtured you, I sang to you. I read to you, I played with you every minute of every day, we baked and we created together. You were my world. We would dance in the kitchen, just you and me and giggle and cuddle.

I fought every day to give you the love I never had. To break the cycles of history and to ensure we remained close and that you always felt safe and loved. Even when you were at your worst, making my life a misery and it was time for you to spread your wings, I helped you transition with compassion and love rather than anger.

Life wasn’t easy, but I protected you, I made sacrifices. I made mistakes but I did my best with good intentions. You can never say that I didn’t love you or wouldn’t die for you – you know I would. We’ve been through hell together and we have lost so much and my love has never wavered. I’ve helped you through dark times, I’ve fought your battles and I drop everything when you need me and always will.

But you know that and you take advantage. You hold onto jealousy and resentment which fuels anger inside of you and darkens your beautiful soul. I cannot control it. I accept that now and I have to let go. There is nothing I can say or do to change the feelings deep inside of you. Only you can make these changes, fight your demons. It’s one battle I cannot fight for you.

I send you healing and love and hope one day you find your way back through the darkness and I’ll be waiting with my arms wide open…even if I am gone.

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